I would like to think I'm likable and that people should flock around me because I'm kind hearted and simple. But in reality I find that despite the fact that I'm kind hearted, a lot of people don't know and do not care a bit. People like nice looking, rich, popular people, and I don't have most of the aforementioned qualities. I find also that to keep friends, you have to have a level of "look away", carefree attitude, which I certainly do not have. I tend to scrutinize every move a person makes and judge their every action. I also do away with them mentally every time they fail at any of my tests of decency and thereafter go from limiting my communication with them to forgetting them altogether.
Talking it out with a person is usually not my strong suit as I tell myself that "they should know better, dammit!"
Having friends is hard for me and relationships altogether are a burden. I tend to think its because I expect far too much and judge far too soon. I like to take people in very small doses, minuscule doses even and have times when I don't want to see or speak to certain people at all - especially the showy, loud ones whose children go to school with mine. For those people, I sometimes say hello so warmly on some days and on others, I hide from them or ignore them altogether. This is hard for them to understand and they eventually stop saying hello, walk past, or ignore my greetings to my utmost chagrin! How did they find out I really do not care for them?! At this point, it becomes all I can think about- wondering why they are so funny, why they won't greet, and ultimately I tell myself I'm better off without them because I'm not good at relationships.
I don't like loud people, you know those ones who want to be seen all the time, who have to be heard, loud annoying people who know it all and have to have a word in. They grate on my nerves, the forward people. I also like them sometimes because they are what I'm not, you know. They speak their minds, even if foolishly, but they speak regardless. Speaking is good, its something I'm just learning in adulthood and I'm still in my teenage years, no, kindergarten to be honest. I'm one of those people the Yorubas scornfully call "Omo lo sile le lo gba esi wa"- which literally translates to "a child that has to go home to get a response to a remark made to her by an outsider- usually a foe".
My mother keeps telling me to speak up! She thinks I'm too docile in my responses and react in silence when speaking up and hurting the person who made the offending remark would be the "wise" thing to do - only that I find some hypocrisy in that because the few times I have tried out her suggestions out on her, she reacted very badly. She forgot to tell me when not to speak up.
I find friendships in my family difficult as well by the way. Its love hate, hate, hate, hate, love, outpouring love, hate etc, I cannot find a balance and find that I usually want to crawl under a rock after being exposed to family (people really) for any length of time. I need to recuperate, find solitude, especially since I find myself doing the giving most times.
Its just too stressful to be in a relationship where people expect me to keep up the same attitude all the time when I need to balance my moods. Stressful and unnecessary.
